SiZZLeDicK^muTHaFucKa

confused!!!oh man, this suxxxx....

Haven't been sleeping for weeks...sounds horrible,huh? I just hate this so so much but I just don't know what else I should do to solve this problem...After a year of break ups, downfall and jazz, I've finally gained all my strength back...This is definately the happiest thing throughout my whole entire life...Lost everything and finally, I am back on track again...I would want to say thanks to my dearest sis, Kelly and the rest of my closest friend who've been there for me throughout all this shit...
Been single, working through tough times to gained what I've lost and wasted for the past 3 years of doing nothing bout my life...Now, I am still nobody but the best part is that I am doing stuff that I like doing...For example, my job!!All this while, my blog is all about sad moments...depressions and etc...Doesn't sound good at all...I am just so over unhappy stuff...It's probably that I am growing older and that I am able to think for myself and also my future...The one thing that I am proud about myself is that I know what I want in life and I am always finding ways to make things better for myself and my family...I hope they are happy as well...
I am now working in an interior architecture firm, which is my dreams...Happy working but I am so so stressed up...Humans I guess!!Sometimes the stress part is not a problem but what matters most is that you are happy with what you are doing...Don't you guys think so??? Worked for like 8 months and am happy with the progress I made to my life and career...I am just so stucked and confused...I love my job, love the company and love everything which they've give me but I just don't know anymore...Probably, I am just so tired...Sounds funny, huh? Hey Debra, just 8 months of working as an ID and you are already tireeeddddddddd??? hehehehehe...
I am so so happy and satisfied with what I've gained all this while working with this company...I would have to thank my superior who've given me the chance to actually prove myself throughout this 8 months of being with the company...
No one have given me this chance so I would say that she means more then a friend to me then anything... More like an IDOL I should say...but no matter what happens, I've got to move on and proceed to the very next level in life...Recently, I got offered by LCL Group to work with them...It's more like a dream come true... I was offered to work as an ID in Dubai for 2 years... I was freaking shocked but happy at the same time...I just don't know what to say about it but I was so so happy that I was offered an opportunity...Like I said, it's more like a dream come true and I know that I do want this opportunity and that I should not let it go...Though it's a 2 years contract job but opportunity is not always there for you...I do want to go!!! I really do!!! It's not the matter of $$$$ but what I feel is that the exposure, experience and knowledge means more to me than anything for now...
I never had a proper education and it's something that I should give it a thought in order for me to improve myself for the better...I know that I am going to miss everyone here, my family, closest friends and definately, my little NIECEeee!!! I am going to be all alone in Dubai, without my family and friends around me but eventually,I'll find new friends... Well, that's life and it's how you adapt with new environment... It's never heaven all the time but you've gotta go through hell too sometimes...hehehehe...It's just 2 years but anyhow, I am entitled of 2 return air tickets to malaysia annually...Guess it's not as bad as it sounds... It's just the matter of not having anyone by your side for your birthdays and christmas...Normal especially if your intentions are clear...rightttt????
I am just in a dilemma now where I just don't if my boss will allow me to go....and to leave the company in 1 months time as the opportunity won't wait for me... Been thinking of bullshitting and telling lies in order to resign but after days of thinking and stressing myself, I guess I've made myself very clear and I feel that I shouldn't be lying to my superior...It's not good and I want to go in a proper manner, not a bad one though...Though I may have a good opportunity but I don't hate my superior...I hope that I could leave in good terms and be friends, no matter what happens...I hope that they'll allow me to go as I want them to be proud of me as I was trained by them to be someone that they should b proud off...Not something that I should hide...but it's more like something which is 'membanggakan' to myself and the company...isn't it???
That's all I hope for...I am still not asleep and it's like 6:18am in the morning...Still thinking of what they are going to say to me...worrying and worrying and worrying!!! I am so tensed up...I know it's not good to lie and the best would be,to be honest with what I want in life...and I am sure if they are good superior, they will definately support me all the way...That's what I think!!! I am just so frustrated of what I need to do in order to please everyone but that's not how it works...I need to stand strong and tell everyone what I really want for myself, not please anyone!!!! I guess this is life and everyone should be able to stand on their own stand in order to succeed in life...Probably, this is just so MEEEEEE!!! I've come to a stage where I've fall many times and stood up again...Most of my friends have already seen it with their own eyes but I believe that I am one strong person mentally though not physically!!!hahahaha... Guess that now is really the right time for me to go for what I really want in life instead of thinking about what people want you to be...Time to grow up and find your true self rather then just sitting and not doing anything about your life...Well, my intentions of going Dubai is not mainly just work but to earn and save money for the future and I hope by the time I come back, I could buy a new house for my family to live in...That's one of my dreams as well and I hope it comes true...Boss want to have discussion with me later regarding about my resignation as I told her that I am tendering my resignation today...I am still worried about what she's going to tell me in return...I don't know but I hope it's a good one so that i could proceed with my dreams of going to Dubai to work and of course, to sign the contract of employment of Dubai asap...
If everything goes well, I should be leaving to Dubai end of July...I am probably, off for good till 6 months later, that would be end January 2008... hahahahaha...I should be back for chinese new year 2008... I can't imagine having such an opportunity and am not going to waste it... My dad would be so proud of me if I were to go for it...I don't want to regret for not taking the chance and challenge...Then, I am nothing but a failure, righttt?? Time to achieve what I've wasted...I hope everyone is happy with whatever that they are doing...CheersSSsssssss!!!!

   

LIfe....hasn't been d same like before!!

Back to work...It's been like 3 months and nothing got better...soooo tired...thought that everything went back to place and that I'll be happier but guess not...Workload is pilling and it's killing me...I do want a life!! I want to be happy too!! I just can't...everything seems tight and I feel pressured and stressed up...I feel like crying sometimes...I feel alone too...
I have a good and cool boss and a so-called annoying colleague but she's nice as well but I feel like I am stucked and I've got no where to run to...I don't talk like I used to...I don't joke like I used to...I don't fool like I used to...I don't smile or laugh like I used to...Nothing is right to me anymore...It's just the serious and quiet me...Will I ever be given a choice to mend back everything or to even be ME??? People changed and that I've changed to be someone who's not even myself...
Am I really really happy or am I just being FAKE now??? No one knows and I'm the only one who's the answer to it...I wanna tell how I actually feel being me...I wanna share and I do wanna express myself...I am trying and I am trying that it makes me feel so down every single little time that I fail...No one could help me but myself...I have that in mind...but it doesn't help at all...
I will not give up...I'll always try and will make that happen...Though, it's been tough for the past few months of being me but I do hope that everything falls back into place like how I was before...Whatever that happened...Whatever that people did...or even whatever that I've gone through,I'll eventually find my way out...The courage and strength of pulling myself back would be the one and only thing that I've always wished...and not to forget, the strength that was given to me by my late DAD...I'll always remember that no matter how many times I fall or even been hurt badly by anyone but God will always be there for me!!

why???why is it sooooo???

Life is just full of tears...can anyone just tell me why?? It's just so sad...been working and been stressing myself for almost a month...datelines...tender projects...what are all those?? I just don't get it...I am just soooooo tired...A week ago, having toothache...been having high fever cuz of my tooth...Then, went to remove the tooth and got a few stitches on my gum...Dentist told me that my tooth was too big, that he was having difficulties in removing my tooth...well,was like 2 hours in the room having him removing my tooth...and when he managed to, one of the root was stucked in the gums...painful,huh?? I was surprised too...3 root on my tooth... normally 2 root...funny though...There was complications in removing it and dentist told me that I was bleeding way too much...and that he've got no choice but to stitch it...
Did x-ray's and all the jazz but hell, it was suffering and painful...After that session, I was dizzy...Probably, cuz lost too much blood but I've got no choice but to drive...muahahahaha...I've got no one but I guess i've managed myself well...Thought that by removing the tooth, I would be feeling much better but NO...I ain't feeling any good...The pain is still there and it's bad...can't sleep, can't eat but eventually I got used to it...managed to force myself to bed...Working??Ermm... work is indeed very important to me...pain but no choice but to go to work...was on pain killers though...Guess that's the only thing that could get me back to work like usual...
Consuming too much of it?? well, I guess in the end, I'll be immune to it...muahahaha...what can I do right?? Not anymore cuz I am getting used to the pain...so it's best to live w/the pain...yeahhh, no pain, no gain huh?? muahahahaha....Will have to get myself back to the dentist next tuesday to remove stitches...so afraid of the pain...I admit though...Toothache is the worse thing that could happen...Even my tattoes, belly n tongue piercing could not beat it...muahahaha...I'll just hope for the best then...I am just too sick to even think of the pain...can't eat, talk or even swallow my food like usual...getting worse I should say...when i try opening my mouth, all I know is that my jaw aches terribly...So, I just talk less this days...can't even talk properly...weird but true...Well, I've gotta consult the dentist and ask him why is my condition this bad??Heard on MIX FM about oral cancer and am getting so worried about it...The symptoms are about the same...not feeling scared?? I am probably joking huh? I am just too broke but I'll get myself checked once I get my pay check...
I just don't have the mood to talk like I used to...maybe it's just so weird to all but it is that way...I just hope that it's not as bad as it is...Pray hard, cross fingers and etc...muahahaha...Keep cool huh?? Sometimes, things that I don't know won't HURT!!! Just like what my ex told me...I guess afterall, not knowing what I am facing or what I am suffering from would be the best thing that could happen...At least, life still goes on happily till the day that...you know that you can't do much but to face it and accept it...I believe that it's meant to be that way...Life would be much meaningful that you could do what you want and accept it when it's the end...I am not asking to be pitied or anything...I don't need to be sympathize...Know what? The time when everyone believed you, nothing seems to happen...but when they don't, everything seems true...Don't you guys agree?? I guess life is just meant to be that way... *sMiLE*
Recently, seen my cousin sister who's been suffering from cancer...getting well though but I am sure someday that she'll be gone...I can't deny that, for sure!!! well, 1 month ago...aunt from penang came down to Kajang...met her and guess what...I was totally shocked...The minute I saw my aunt's right hand,arm and shoulder was swollen, I felt so sad...I almost broke into tears but I did not...The time where I used to see her to be a healthy aunt...an aunt who calls me 'DEPA' cuz she can't pronounce my name properly...an aunt who cooks well...an aunt who is always happy and cheerful...an aunt who is so fat and healthy...end up being an aunt who became so skinny and sick...My mum,aunt and cousin sister left to china for treatment at FUDA Cancer Hospital,Guang Zhou a month ago...Cousin was feeling much better...also suffering from breast and liver cancer...aunt looked ok and went there for the first time for treatment but she did not make it to come back...Yesterday, 18th November 2006 mum smsed us from china in the morning that aunt was in serious condition and was in ICU...and later in the afternoon,mum smsed again saying that aunt passed away...I was so sad and I just felt so empty...why?? why?? why do people that I care most and love most have to leave me?? why?? I don't get it anymore...
First, was my dad...Then, it was my cousin sister and then my aunt...why is this happening?? I see the people I care most go through cancer...It's not fun!!! In me, the only thing that is left is PAIN and sadness...why?? I don't wanna see that happen anymore...I wished I could stop it...*SaD* I am terribly down...I don't tell out cuz I just can't express myself...I didn't even shed a tear when mum told us but deep inside me,it's just full of it...who knows and who cares?? No one!! No one ever did!! I just hate it so much...I wished I have someone who understands me and someone who'll not leave me for good...It's all just lies...Things that my ex said...things that my friend tells me...No one was ever there...even if they did, at the end they end up leaving and hurting me...why???

FeeeeeeeLssssssss empty,dunno why????

I've got back to work...got everything I want...got the job that I want...got the life that I want...got the friends that I want but nothing seems fulfilling...don't know why??It still feels empty...weird but true though...I guess after going back to work and all, I just felt that my life is all about work...nothing special and it doesn't mean anything at all...I guess afterall, I am just feeling so alone...lonely I should say...
Days that I used to have a boyfriend to support me, to care about me, to even come find me and suddenly that I lost someone who actually cared about me...Well, the truth is I never actually felt that I was loved by my family and the fact is that it's been at all...I am not super sensitive or anything...it's just that I am treated that way...not only by my own friends but my family as well...but I guess I am super tired now thinking about it...
I trusted my boyfriend a lot...I put my all on him and at the end, all I got was disappointments...I can't deny that I still love him...I don't know why...probably, that's what you call love...The very truth is...I never felt that I was loved since the day I lost my dad...no one that I could actually trust, rely or even depend on but surprisingly, I fell in love and trusted him w/all my heart...He's been a great boyfriend to me...The one and only guy who I believed in...The one and only who have given his all to me...He is indeed great, helped me in a lot of ways...I just don't know how should I put it but he did his all, I believe!
Things are never your way all the time...I don't blame anyone for what've happened...After years of being w/each other, w/out me realising he was doing stuff behind my back...The guy that I trusted most who I thought loved me all this years but...The guy that did everything for me...gave me everything he could...sounds funny but true...Throughout my whole entire life, I guess this would be the most hurtful thing to me...I never felt that bad before... not even when my dad left me...Not even a drop of tear but who would believe that deep inside me, it's just full of it...???I guess I am just myself all this years...
I found out a lot of stuff after 3 years of everything...I just couldn't believe it and am trying so hard just to move on...I wished that I was just dreaming but I can't deny...I don't hate him for what he did to me...I just couldn't be the girl who will just sit there and do nothing or not even help...I know that he's wrong and I'll always be forgiving...It doesn't matter how bad a person can be, everyone deserve chances to change and be someone better...Well, no one's perfect which I believe I am not too...I just can't see my own friends drop and not do anything to help...Eventhough he may have hurt me so bad that I'll still help him as a friend...Though he may have said the most hurtful stuff to me but I guess everyone spill stuff out when they are emotionally instable...just like me...hate that though!!!Honest,I do forgive him for what he did and I do want him to prove that he'll do better in future, that's all I hope for...
I know it's ridiculous and stupid but I'll always stay at my stand and help if I could...cuz that makes me happy...He's wrong but he never admits it...well, when you've known someone for years it's like you can no longer even comment cuz you just know...Probably, it's just that I've known him for so long that I could read him...People may think that he's bad and did a lot of bad stuff to me...but I'll always be on his side...why???Like I said, I've known him better then anyone else in the universe...It's just so difficult to see someone you care and love so much fall and end up regretting for what he did...Then, it would be too late to even repent...I am sure no friends who would even see their friends die without helping, right???That's what you call friends, someone who you've grew up with, known for long and all...
I am crazy to be on his side...Times when I am so down, I never even had anyone who could help, not even him to even take care of me... or to even support me morally...The stuff that I need most is to have someone by my side...helping me cope and stand strong...I've got none, not even him...I was all alone but I managed to cope with it eventhough life have been so down,frustrating and miserable for me...Yeah, he was never there for me and I am sure everyone hates him for what he did...He indeed ignored me but I kept telling myself that it's never my way and it's time that I gotta learn to live with it even I know that I can't forget him...It's just not easy but I am already doing my best...
Eventually, I got myself a job and got myself back on track...It's not really the most happiest thing but I would say that at least, this would help me ease all my pain...Being at work,being busy,I've got nothing to even worry and think off...I work my ass off...stay back to work till 9-10pm...I am fucking exhausted but I just work...just to be as tired as I could so that I am not even capable to even think or even worry about others or anyone but myself...maybe it's just how it is meant to end...and it's probably, time that I move on and start a new life...It's sad but I've done my best...I've said what I need to...I've done what I could to stop things from happening...I've tried stoping my boyfriend from hurting others...I've even tried to stop him from doing wrong...All I know is that I've done what I could for him and everyone around me...and it is just the right time to forget all n go on with my life this way...meaning working my ass off.... ahahahahah...
I'll be able to cope with it, I am sure I will...Done it, been through it and will always be...It's just so me...Tough test but good experience though...This experience has taught me a lesson, not to even believe anyone but myself...and I would no longer even force myself to forget or even deny that I still love him...It's even more painful that way...Like I always say, live with it!!!This is even better then keep telling myself that I don't love him and I want to forget him for good cuz I hate him...This is definately not the way...Carrying all the hatred feelings in you, it's even more suffering and heavy throughout your whole entire life...take it easy, dudez!!!I may have fallen for a guy who may have cheated me emotionally but I'll live my life my own...I am sure I will though it may be the toughest thing in me now!!!

Backkkkk to work, dudezzzz!!!!

Eventually, I am back to work...after months of not working...Well, just started working like early this month...went through a lot though for the past few months...end up being jobless...end up losing money... end up losing boyfriend and even end up losing the love I could get from my family...SUCKS though!!!I could say that I lost everything within a month and I end up being no one for like months...feeling depressed and feeling so down...couldn't believe,huh?The Debra that you guys knew isn't the gal she used to be NEmore...sad but true!!!
I just lost everything I had in one go...Imagine if you were me, could you??I guess I've been truly strong all this years of being human in this life...ahahahaha...surprised???I am just way too tired w/whatever that's happened...Probably, it's just time to move on...Months back, I was happily working in a company which I thought could be a dream come true for me...but at the end, I was sacked...I guess it's just so political to be smarter then your manager...ahahahaha...This is just so real...everyone is selfish...I agree too!!!
Before this, I was working for like 9 months...I was really happy to be exact and then, I was terminated...Sounds silly, huh? Sounds like it's all my fault...but I guess afterall, I work really hard for that $$$ but at the end, I got nothing in return but termination instead...funny though but life goes on...right???I am sure things will eventually get better as time passes by...I was even doing freelance in ID...Erm, was actually doing 3d for a company in Johor...got an offer in johor and that I'll have to work in Singapore as well...but nothing came true...was truly disappointed...I should say that I was never given a chance to even prove myself and that I could actually make it???No one helped me, not even my boyfriend and family...I don't even know why am I here???
All this while, been trying to pull the family back to usual but nothing seems right...I don't know why...I feel so pressured and also stressed up...I love being at home and of course, would like to see everyone close to each other but I gave up...At the end, I am just the ignorant and troublesome one...but life goes on...So, the truth is I turned down the Johor offer and moved on w/my life here as I have no one to actually helped me cope w/my burdens...It's just me, myself and I...ahahahaha...I was very very sad but I am sure there's always other chances to come...just have to have more faith and hope!!!Didn't know that I could actually end up this way??? End up not eating...end up not sleeping...sounds bad...It is I guess...but the truth...never did I even complained that I have nothing to eat or survive... It's just so ME!!
The truth is, I became aneroxic I suspect...It's not just what people tell me but i believe I am and am suffering too...No longer could I consume food like I used to...I have problems swallowing food too...I guess for the past 3 months that I've not been eating I turned out to be that way...I am just sad seeing myself this way...wished that I could be the Debra I used to...I just started working in an architect firm in KL as an assistant interior architect...I love my job a lot and I do hope it stays the way it is meant to...Been busy working...supposed to finish work at 6:30pm but end up going home at 8pm, 9pm or even 10pm since I started...I supposed it's PASSIONE!!I became a workaholic...I don't think about other stuff that much NEmore, not even boyfriend or even my family...Everything is like put aside for once and that I could live my life peacefully...I am happy though that I have a lot of work to do...I bring work back home and end up sleeping 4-5am...Funny, huh? I could like work round the clock...ahahahaha...Couldn't even wake up every morning...I am just way to stressed up...Today, I chose to come home early as in I left work at 7:30pm...but it's still later then 6:30pm...ahahahaha... better then nothing though...
Work is pilling up...workload I should say...but I enjoy my work a lot...Not much to comment...drawing...going to site...coordinating...meeting clients...liasing w/contractors...well, that's what I do and I just love it...I don't eat nowadays... weird but true...I don't even complain hungry...well, thanks to my boss n my colleague who will actually force me to eat eventhough I have difficulties in consuming and swallowing food...I just couldn't eat, I don't know how I should put it but I just feel like puking if I consume like normal humans I should say...Another reason could be that I've been consuming too much of CAFFEINE for work...maybe that's why I end up not eating as well...ahahahaha...NO nescafe beh tahannnnn lerr...ahahahaha...gotta cope w/work and also my life...not easy,ok? I am indeed trying my best in order to get myself back on track...as in eating n sleeping well so that I could work well as well...That's the truth...To be successful, I gotta get my rest too!!!I'll just have to remain POSITIVE, that' s all...You guys,people that know me or probably, people who reads this,TAKE CAREZZZ!!!

Total losTTTttttttt....career...relationshipsSsss....Everything seems LOST to me!!!

Terminated...??? or should I just say, SACKED??? hahahaha...Life seems so down without things that you like...I don't know why but it's just the way it is...maybe it's just ME, myself and I....I just feel so down...I've never been this way but it just happened...I couldn't even cope with it like I used to....The happy-go-lucky me!!! sad but very true though...Things aren't going my way anymore...I am just trying so hard just to bear with everything and cope with it as it is...I could say that my job and my career is everything to me...Without it,I could probably DIE...It's not the matter of $$$ but it's the matter that I enjoy what I am doing...I've never done things that makes me unhappy...but now,It's just not up to my own will or wish...to even choose!!!I was never given a choice...Not even once but i've been who I am all this while and am happy with it...That is just so meeeeeeee!!!
Everyone wants a better life...so do I!!I've always wanted what's best for everyone around me...Trying so hard just to pleased everyone...trying so hard just to make life better for my loved ones...and finally, I am feeling so tireddddd...Honest,I've been wanting to succeed just like others...which I think I am a lot better than anyone out there...The experience and the stuff that I've gone through has made me someone better in life...The truth is,we are all humans... and we'll never be satisfied with whatever we have...but I do as i've seen people and friends that I care most going through the most difficult way, the hardest way just to get what they want...and I am indeed very happy with what they've got in life...That's the best thing that I've seen and it does makes me happy seeing them happy.....
Well, I don't actually hope for anything to happen...not even miracle to happen...I just hope that I could at least get myself a job...Though it may not be something that I like doing but...at least, it could make my day for months or even years to come...That's all I hope for...I've been so alone...It feels like there's just MEEeeee here...but...Life goes on like how it is meant to...Mum did left to china again...and I am left all alone...i grew up...grew up to be someone so tough and strong mentally...Sometimes, it is just so tiring being MEE!!No complains...GOD created me to be someone strong and of cuz, happy too...No one wants to be unhappy but things will always fall apart and you'll eventually learn to be strong...Part of parcel of life!!!To me,I've gone through a lot in life...Nothing seems easy for me but it does make me someone stronger.. and better,of course!!!
Relationshipsss.....????There's always ups and down...Nothing is perfect...whether it's relationship...friendship...or even anyone...I am not as well...The fact will always be!!!My relationship sux to the max...You've known someone for like 6 years before you actually started the relationship...Like always,starting a relationship from friendship...It means even more then just being a lover...Started a relationship after knowing someone for like 6 years...I could even say that till today,it's almost 10 years!!!Well,I was never happy when dad left me in year 1996...That's when I met my love one...We became friends...Ermm, I should say good friends indeed... but we started dating like 6 years after that...Isn't it like a dream come true??He's been a very good friend to me since dad passed away...Being the best companion I should say...I never trusted anyone since dad left but when I finally met a friend like him, i trusted him with all my heart...He is always there making my day!!
I was never even close to anyone I should say...not even my own mum and sister...He's the one and only but...things changed after knowing him even longer...The feeling of being betrayed and cheated is the worst of all...I could say that because I've gone through it myself...Knowing that he's been cheating you for like 3 years but you ignored...and life goes on for you...Denying just to make yourself happy but you are not...and the worse fear would be that you found out things that you are not supposed to see...but it just happened...Nothing is up to your way or will...Seeing things that will hurt you even more...Knowing that he's been cheating on you...BETRAYAL!!!You know that you loved someone with all your heart...but at the end, all you get is just hurt....again n again n again!!You know a lot but you kept it to yourself...just because you loved him...Hoping that he'll mend back what he did but he did not...Instead, he made it worse!!The feeling of putting so much hope on someone hurts...
10 years....That's long...isn't it??? Been so down...Lost my job....lost someone I love...financially down...No one to turn to...Gone through all this but life have to go on...Like it or not...This is how it is meant to...It's just so difficult to love someone...Being hurt is the most painful thing...I admit that I am truly hurt and it's never gonna be easy but I'll do it for the sake of myself and people who cares for me...That's the least I could think off...I know that there will always be a scar in my heart but it's never the END!!Things will eventually get better rather then being pressured, forced and blamed by the one you love most...It hurts even more knowing it....but nothing is impossible!!Time heals and proves everything...and I do believe in FATE as well...It's never up to your own will to choose...but it's always a thing of learning to accept and to live with it...I've never had anyone who've been so close to me but things do happen for a reason...I can never runaway like I wanted to...I wished but like I said...I was never given a choice...but just facing and accepting it with an open heart...
I listened...and listened...and I still don't get anything in return...Disappointing but true...Never expect too much when you know that it's never going to happen...That's life!!!Friends coming to me telling me their problems...I am always there to listen and to help if I could...I've never complained or even pushed them away but I've just been there...Sad to hear stories and hoping that you could do something to help but you feel so helpless...I am not them but I could feel their pain in me...That's is just me!!!I hate when I wanna help but I just can't...I kept telling myself...Stay away or be there??? But I'll still choose to be there cuz eventhough I know that I could not help...I could at least, do the least I could for them...By being there,being by their side is the best I could do being a friend...I guess I've done that and sometimes, I just feel so hopeless...I see them sad and I feel sad as well...I can never let anyone down...not even my friends or my loved ones...I know that I'll always be there for anyone till...probably,my last day on earth...I don't know when but I always feel that I should do what I could for anyone while I am still here...
I don't like regretting what I do or things that I haven't done when I am still here...I want to be someone who's life is fulfilling and satisfied...Honest, I've never regretted what I did for anyone...I did it sincerely and with all my heart...No lies but it's all truth!!!People who knows me would probably, know me for who I am...Many things happened in one period of time...Down??Isn't that normal???I guess it is...but nothing is much more important then seeing people i love and care most being happy...That's all I hope for in life...Doesn't matter if i lost my job...falling into a world where I am so depressed but seeing everyone happy makes me happy...So,to all my dearest friends, stay happy!!!I'll always be there for you guys....Especially, yann in US and Ah Pek in singapore...I hope you guys are doing fine and definately,HAPPY!!! As for Jenny and Kelly, my closes friend in KL,I hope the same as for you guys...I am always here, for SUREEEEeeee!!!! Love yah always... Always do!!!!

Low....Low...everything seems low....dunno y???

These days have been hectic n tiring for me...Don't know why but I just feel that way....I maybe in the process of overcoming my relationship but feels like there're more to come...I've been really hot tempered....I could admit that I seldom lose it out....and that I managed to control it....but recently I just sux to the maximum....Been worrying and thinking a lot this days...I myself don't even know what's going on....Probably, it's just the things that I am going through n the pressure I am facing....Sounds funny for a person who's not even working yet??nothing to worry about hah??muahahahaha....
I got the job as a sales designer.... at Kitchen Culture,bangsaria....It's a company that specialises in imported kitchen....muahahahaha....Expensive I should say....but my deal would be to earn that money n knowledge for myself....muahahahaha....Well, well, starting work next month, that would be next thursday actually....I am kind of worried which I myself don't even know why....Happy but deep inside me where I do not feel as strong as I used to be....I feel so low...so weak....Don't know why??Probably, it's because that I do not have the confidence in me anymore....That's why....I have this doubt in me.....which is making me feel weird....
I know I'll love the job but I will just have to gain back what I need to in being the real me....Like I said, confidence.... and definately, moral support from the one I love and care most....Erm, that could be anyone, even my friends....Not just my family duhhh....I guess that's all I need from everyone around me....I am just so afraid of what is it going to be,getting back to work again....Maybe that's what we call 'PHOBIA'....hahahahaha....but I am sure with all the support I get, I'll be able to push myself a lil' more....I am sure I will!!
Thinking and thinking of what should I do with my life....I don't even know what I want at this moment....Quite blur and I couldn't even answer myself...muahahaha.... sounds funny??I used to know what I want in life...that I could even share it with others but I guess at this point of time where I just can't....Maybe I just need time to overcome what I need to....I am tired, just so tired with what that is happening to myself and also my life...It's so not me!!Disappointed....but like I said....Time proves everything!!
Starting work on 1st June and mum's leaving to Europe....so soon hah??Going to be alone again...muahahahaha....Well, I'll just have to look for people to be around....before I start to think of nonsense....muahahahahaha...noler, just wanna make myself happy....instead of just keeping it to myself...It's not going to do any good to myself or anyone either...Just have to learn to live with it....That's what we call life, right??Biggggg girLLL lurr....and I am still so afraid of being alone...Childish Lehhh??muahahahahaha....That's what we call BIG baby sialzzzz....Should be fine....I'll have to get used to it....I'll probably want more time on myself.... to do some thinking....I need those!!!!
Being alone is never fun but you'll definately,find someone who could be there for you or probably,find something to do just to pass time your own time....muahahahahaha....I know I'll be able to....Boring mar boringgg lurr....not my choice also bahhhh.....but I believe that things will get better anyhow...Just pray and ask GOD to protect me,no matter what happens....I believe and I do have faith in him!!!All I want is to be happy and If I could, I would do whatever I can to help others just to see myself happy again...Like the old me!!Keep up the good work,Debraaa!!!  *cHeeRsssSSSSSSsss*

MUM's back but leaving again..... *SAD*

Mum was gone for like.... erm..... I mean was outstationed for like almost 2 months.... Actually, it's a months plus.... but I felt like it was already 2 months.... Mum was in Canton, China taking care of my cousin sister which I mentioned in my previous post..... They are now back home and I am really happy.... I could not express how I really feel but that's how it is.... I've been going through so much that I do not have anyone to turn to especially my MUM.....
She came back yesterday and I could say that it was the happiest thing that happened in my life.... and not to forget, it was MOTHER's day..... Glad that she came back on that day..... Well, I did not got her anything but I believe that sincerity shows all..... I am currently not working as well so I am sure that my mum will understand what I am going through..... Guess what I did for my mum? May not be something special but I know that it came out spontaneously from me..... When she first stepped into the house..... I actually jumped out from my room and went running to my mum.... Erm... I actually gave her my biggest and the most meaningful hug ever.... I even wished her Happy Mother's day and I said, I loved her.... Not to forget, the last sentence would be that I missed her so much..... She looked so stonned but happy..... I guess she was quite surprised with what I did.....
Cute hah? I guess I've showed how I really felt without her pressence..... not having anyone to turn or even to tok to.... Felt so alone but she's back and I am so glad that she's fine..... That's all I hope for.....
Surprising part is that my sister came back on the same day as well..... but like I said, it was the happiest day and moment ever..... The house was back to normal..... as there were lots of noises..... Just like before..... Felt like I am back to usual..... It was the most comforting day of my life..... I got to see the people that I care and love..... I am sure you guys feels that way as well, right? Was chatting and chatting all the way.... and suddenly that I was hungry, I made them accompany me to have dinner.... That was like 12:30am..... but they were there for me..... Went mamak and continued their stories.....
After that, went back home..... Sister was so tired.... She fell asleep.... Mum was like unpacking her stuff and all..... I told her to get to bed..... Am afraid that she's tired..... but I was so happy that I couldn't even sleep so I went online..... I was awake..... erm... I guess till 7am then I just couldn't take it anymore so I went to bed as well.....The next day, mum woke up early..... woke me up as well but I just couldn't cuz I slept really early.... Mum was like nagging,just like her usual self..... Isn't she cute? Missed all those.... Remind me of my younger times..... Nagging* Nagging* but I am so used to it..... Thanks to her! If not, I wouldn't be standing here now..... sharing my BLOG with you guys.... Muahahahahaha......
Lunch? Erm.... Mum did the cooking..... I guess she knows that I missed it a lot.... Before she left to China, whenever she cooks I'll end up not eating..... but when she left, I missed her cooking..... Notti* Notti* gal, hah? Lunch time was great eventhough I ate at 3pm..... Ate quite a lot anyway.... First time in my life that I actually enjoyed my meal as in having both of them by my side..... Mean, hah? This time,not even a single complain and I ate it like a lil' PIGGGGG! Muahahahahaha..... But the sad part is that mum is going to Europe this 1st June and will only be coming back on the 15th June.... Then, she'll be going to China again after that..... With my cousin sister who's suffering from cancer..... My cousin will be undergoing another few more sessions of Chemotheraphy at the Cancer Institute, China.... and I won't know when they'll be coming back again..... There goes and I know that I am going to be so alone.....
I just hate it so much..... and I just realised how much my mum meant to me..... Without her, I have no one to turn to or even tok to about my problems..... and definately, her cooking as well..... She's been a great mum in my life..... and I do have to apologize for not being a good child to her previously.... As far as I've grown to be someone, I finally realised..... Never take your loved ones for GRANTED, ok? They meant a lot to all of you.... I'll just have to bear that I'll be alone again.... Probably, that makes me a better one in life..... and I know that mum will be so happy to know that.... INDEPENDENT of course! I've gone through a lot and I know what means more to me now..... MY FAMILY, definately! Oh God, I just LOVE them loads!

Gastric sialZZzzzz.... & even told U not to play play....Stubborn summore.....OMG!!

I remember it was in year 2004..... when I actually had this bad gastric thingy..... That time, I remembered I went on a holiday with my bf and friends..... Went to Kuantan for days which I enjoyed and that I can never forget..... It was fun though.... To me, everything is FUN...... On the way coming back from Kuantan, we dropped by Bukit Tinggi for some fun.... which we did..... Eventhough it was just a few hours but I couldn't deny that it was the most exciting day I've had in my life..... Though it was tiring but I could say that everything went well except my lil' cute stomache.....
Suddenly, I have this bad gastric and I felt so uncomfortable throughout the trip..... Anyhow, I managed to control the pain.... If I am not mistaken, I even forgot to bring my medication for the trip.... It was the worse part of all..... I couldn't imagine..... but everything was fine which I thought..... So, we went sight seeing n all..... Well, nothing special..... but at least, there's a difference of being in the city and somewhere far, right? Errmmm, there was this park.... I guess it's called the japanese park at Bukit Tinggi..... We went there walking around and all..... I believe I am this notti notti type of gal..... Maybe stubborn a lil' bit..... I would agree I guess..... There were like beautiful stones all over the park..... You know what I did? Without realising that my bf just got me that new particular adidas shoes, I went round kicking all the stones.... It was damn bad..... It's like I am messing up people's property ler....
Then, my bf scolded me but I ignored....... and even got pissed off..... Hey, maybe that's what we call stubborness hah? muahahahaha..... I continued..... I remembered my bf telling me that I shouldn't disturb or do notti notti stuff in the jungle..... Well, the park is like a jungle..... He said there're souls living there..... Erm,I thought it was nothing so I ignored whatever he said..... and continued what I was doing...... After all this, we went to have something for dinner I should say..... but I couldn't eat as I was having bad gastric..... We lepak for a while and at the end, we left...... and there we go, back to Kuala Lumpur...... but I felt really sick.... and definately, UNCOMFORTABLE..... Not only me having bad gastric but high fever as well.....
On our way back to KL, I was terribly sick...... The high fever and gastric thingy larr..... I couldn't even walk.... I remembered that.... I was like 1/2 dead! Funny, hah? The high fever made it even worse..... I guess I suffered all the way back from Bukit Tinggi to KL..... It was real torture.... muahahahahaha....... Stubborn larrr somemore? Reached KL, my bf brought me to the doc...... I felt so relieved but the pain didn't went off..... I don't know..... I suffered for days.... and I guess I've learned my lessons...... Never want to be that notti notti lil' kid in my life anymore.....
Anywayz, it's year 2006 now and I've grown to be someone..... Probably...... Erm.... Probably? I don't know..... Maybe that I may not repeat it again..... muahahahahahaha..... Eh, Eh, Eh, never be so stubborn larr..... Listen...... All is takes is to listen and not ignore!!!
My worse experience ever...... I've not been having gastric for like 2 years.... since I last suffered..... I took cared of it though..... Now, it's like year 2006 and I guess the pain is back again.... I should be eating well..... Probably, it's just the diet and my sleeping thingy..... is making me go hay wire...... Erm, Is this how they spell it? I also don't know ler.... Understand boh? muahahahahaha..... Love yourself, ok?

ReLaTionshipSSssss.....

Well, I've always wished for a great guy to appear.... It did happened once and even twice but I can't deny that he's no longer the guy that I used to love, a guy who used to be so cheerful and knows what he wants in life.... He was indeed a guy that I've always wanted to be with.... and probabaly, spend my life with..... I guess I am just so naive.... Things were fine at first.... That was what I thought but no one could expect what's going to happen in future, right? I enjoyed his company and I did had a great time being with him.... but as a gf, I never did ask if he enjoyed my company as well.... I guess it was my mistake for not knowing.... Everything was going fine and smoothly.....
The feeling of being with someone especially when you put that 100% trust in him is definately different.... The trust is there and I felt really comfortable..... Sometimes, I do not understand.... Till today, I do not know what a gal should have or be in order to be a perfect gf? Everyone who knows me, describe me a lil boyish.... Probably, I am.... but the fact is, that I am still a gal.... A gift by God I should say.... Thank Goodness!
There are times where I feel that being there for someone you loved whenever he needs you is the best thing that you can do.... But normally in love, it's not just care, trust, understand but you'll still end up doing more.... Anything I should say.... It's what I call sacrifice and not demanding for more.... Probably, that's what we call love.... Love is all about sacrifices made for the one you loved and cared most.... We shared a lot I guess.... Financially, emotionally and.... but I guess it's just me feeling that way.... I don't think that guys feel the same way as gals do..... Gals are much more emotional.... I agree!
Been thru, done that as well.... To be honest, I enjoyed doing everything but I know someday, I will definately get tired of it.... What a gal need from a guy? Simple I should say.... Understanding, caring, loving, companionship,trust and be there for them when they needed you.... Not every gal likes to be pampered by gifts and money.... Money can't buy my HEART..... unless the materialistic ones..... Me? I am just so simple.... and I guess it's just so easy to understand me..... I don't need a perfect bf, rich  or even good looking.... All that I asked for is he being there for me when I needed him, understanding, caring, loving and also putting trust in me, definately!
Well, my bf rides a bike and he's not even financially stable but I admire that he's hardworking and that he puts a lot of effort in whatever he do..... This is what I see from my point of view after knowing him for so long.... But I maybe wrong....  Probably, this made him someone so special to me..... I have a lot of friends but none actually have the kind of strength and courage which is so strong in them.... Maybe a few I should say.... Probably, it's just the way you were brought up.... It makes someone so strong..... Physically and metally I guess..... I was brought up in a very hard way where I can say that I am very different..... I don't get what I want and I'll have to figure out a way just to get what I want....
I am a person who never gives up easily..... I find it difficult to do so.... It takes time to prove everything, I guess! Ermm, where was I? muahahahaha.... Oh yea,bf story hah? I was really happy being with him and I can't deny that he did a lot for me.... I do appreciate that a lot.... Went out for about 2 years and we broke up.... I never actually got to know the actual reason of breaking up but the truth is, the break up was terribly bad for me.... I went thru a lot of pain but I managed to get thru it and moved on.... If there's no pain or hurt, it's definately not love.... That's for sure! That proves how much you truly love someone.... It's like an experience to me....
8 months later, I met him back again.... and not long after that we got back together.... I was quiet surprised that we got back but I was happy to see him again.... The truth is, he's someone I truly love but like I said, no one could predict what's going to happen next.... Since I got back with him, I've been very annoying..... I know that he hates it but.... I mean it's just me.... But now, I don't even know anymore..... I can't think or even tell.... Time proves everything.... I am kind of playful.... I love to have pillow fights on the bed.... It's so just me..... muahahahahahaha.... I guess not every guy would like to have someone who's so playful, hah? Ermmm, I suddenly feel sick.... Need to rest for a while.... Probably, continue the very next time if I remember.....